Anxiously in Love
So… I’m in love and it’s a really good kind of love this time. The healthy, overly communicative, bumble bees fluttering in your stomach, heart racing, I’m in love with my best friend kind of love and my brain isn’t really sure what to do with this information. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about love post-heartbreak, it’s that love’s best friend is anxiety. Anxiety is such a cutie pie! It comes poking its head around the corner, seemingly innocent with rational and very valid questions about your current relationship and what’s next, but sure enough it’ll rear its ugly head. Suddenly anxiety has decided it’s had enough of the sweet and innocent act and now it’s time to wreak havoc on every happy thought you’ve ever had in your newfound love. No matter how solid your foundation or how mature your level of communication, a little bit of anxiety will find its way into the cracks and crevices to grow however it can. Instead of running from anxiety and trying to find any way around it, I learned to embrace it. It’s not going anywhere and there will always be SOMETHING that gives you pause or may be a reason for concern. Instead of stressing about it and being consumed in ways to “make it stop” just live in the moment and be gentle with yourself while you work your way through it.
“I can’t keep picking and choosing when it’s me who’s winning and losing. I can’t keep fighting myself trying to be another girl.”
Nothing to Lose, Zola Courtney
Now, I had absolutely no idea how to navigate this on my own while I was experiencing it. I found myself sabotaging relationships because I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Post-traumatic experiences in love had me believe that there will ALWAYS be something and people will inevitably show their true selves and I would find out in the worst way possible. Can some of that be chalked up to me living my life behind Rose colored glasses and hoping to see the best in everyone no matter what red flag I may have seen along the way? Absolutely, but eventually, I learned the age old lesson of believing people when they tell you who they are the first time. However, in true Alexis fashion, I took that to an extreme and started finding faults in every single thing because I was so worried I’d miss the red flags again. So rather than living in love and being proud of the connection I’d made, I lived in constant worry and fear of what I thought would be our inevitable downfall. It took years, a global pandemic and being off of social media for a little less than half a year for me to find that I’m capable of having and deserving of the love I have now and it’s one of the greatest things I could’ve ever hoped for. It took listening to hours and HOURS of playlists I made to try to depict how I was feeling and about 258 listens to “Nothing to Lose” by Zora Courtney to understand how important it is to allow your anxiety to exist but to also just say whatever it is because the only thing you have to lose is you and we’re not doing that. Along with my playlists, I put together a list of what I’ve learned about being anxiously in love and I think it’s time to share.
6 Lessons I’ve Learned Being Anxiously in Love:
1. GO TO THERAPY
We really have to let go of this stigma that going to therapy is the equivalent to being less than or inadequate. Seeking help speaks to your strengths more than it ever could to your perceived weaknesses. Therapy is all about you! It’s a space that you’re allowed to go, ask questions, present your most irrational self and ideas, express your concerns and work through your dark times without fear of judgement. So when you are dealing with anxiety in day to day life, find yourself creating a narrative about a situation before it’s even had time to happen, if you had a GREAT day and you want to brag about yourself to someone… a therapist is a great person to do that with.
**Therapy isn’t just for sad/bad/icky feelings. Therapy can see you through love, light, happiness and the best moments in life. It’s all about navigating the day to day and developing a skill set to encourage a healthy way of managing your emotions**
2. Always be curious!
Ask questions, be curious and understand that you don’t know everything. It’s OKAY to ask your questions and be honest about where they’re coming from. Take the time to evaluate what emotions you’re experiencing, give them room to exist, know that they are valid and then talk about them. The worst thing that can happen is that you don’t get the answer you’re looking for. But if you never ask, if you always assume the worst, you’re cutting the legs out from under your relationship before it’s even had a chance to blossom into more.
3. You can’t control other people’s reactions.
You are only responsible for YOUR reactions to situations. This doesn’t give you permission to be an asshole and treat people any kind of way and tell them they’re crazy when they react accordingly. That’s gas-lighting and we don’t do that here. HOWEVER, once you express your concerns, once you share your thoughts around your anxiety in the midst of love, when you allow yourself to be open and honest about where you stand, however they respond will ultimately be up to that person. Stop trying to manipulate situations to avoid conflict or avoid pain by delivering messages in a certain way to minimize the risk of a not-so-positive outcome. *if you’re feeling attacked now, I told you it was coming* Stop playing games with what information you do or don’t share to test someone’s response in order to determine how you’ll move next. You can only control you and manage your own feelings. Stop trying to control other people out of fear of disappointment.
4. Everything is not about YOU!
Shocking, I know. But when you’ve experienced traumatic love loss it’s easy to be consumed in thoughts that you’re not good enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re not *insert whatever you want here* enough… This shouldn’t come as a surprise but I’m here to tell you, YOU ARE ENOUGH. I don’t care what your demons are telling you, what your haters and naysayers are feeding you, I don’t even care what your parents are telling you because you are enough! I realize I said everything isn’t about you and went on to talk about just how great YOU are, but stop believing every little concern you have with regard to your partner is immediately related to you. When you have feelings of doubt or concern, maybe even self-loathing because you’ve convinced yourself you’re not enough and not worthy of love in your partner's eyes, just share that! Share with your partner that you’re experiencing imposter syndrome or that you need validation in your relationship. Whatever your love language is, when you’re feeling this way, chances are your love tank is sitting near empty and you need a refill. It’s OKAY to ask for the love you’re seeking.
**It’s NOT okay to consistently be made to feel like you need to ask for love and made to feel bad for expressing that you need some loving validation. That’s a red flag you need to evaluate.**
5. It’s okay to say no!
Don’t be so afraid to lose love that you lose yourself trying to appease someone else’s ideas of a good time. Don’t change who you are to fit the mold of what you think someone else wants you to be. Stay true to you, be honest and firm in what you believe in and the things you will or will not tolerate. You’ll alleviate a TON of unnecessary stress if you’re honest about what you need in the beginning as opposed to trying to back pedal later and over compensate for what your partner isn’t giving you. If there’s something you’re not happy with or you don’t like, don’t hide that, be honest about it and express your concerns. Establish those boundaries early and don’t apologize for them.
6. Live. In. The. Moment.
Life is hard enough as it is in the middle of a pandemic, on a regular day, mid zombie apocalypse, honestly life is just fucking hard. So stop racing to the next thing. Enjoy the thing you’re in right now, live and love in this moment because you don’t get these back. No one wants to be the person that looks back and thinks about what they wish they’d done in the moment but didn’t because they were too worried about the “what ifs” of the future.
These aren’t ALL the lessons I’ve learned and they’re not all there is to learn. We are ever changing, always learning and growing into the next stages of our lives. Take these lessons of being anxiously in love and make them fit your mold. Understand what works for you and what doesn’t. You’re not going to get it right every time and there will be times you have to take a step back, do a hard reset and evaluate your next steps. Just make sure every step you’re taking is one in the right direction for YOU. Whether that be a few steps back, a step to the side or even a little cha-cha on down the aisle, just take the steps.
all my love always,
Alexis Maria
