We’re All a Villain in Someone’s Story

Whether you’ve been a gold star, magical, fantastic partner in every relationship or the worst partner possible, everyone is a villain in someone’s story. 

Have you ever taken a second to step back and think about the way a story is told? How, depending on the storyteller and your relationship to them or your emotional ties to the situation, you will have differing reactions? In every situation, every interaction where one party isn’t overwhelmingly pleased with the outcome and even sometimes when they are, there is always a villain in the story. Now, who that villain is, depends heavily on who’s telling the story. Apply this thought process to your relationships, situationships, dating app hook-ups, long term “talking” phases, or even your one night stand with that one person from the bar that you swore was a ten by the end of the 4th glass. You’re calling your friends after a first date gone bad and saying “This person did such and such, they’re so trash, I can’t believe they had the nerve to show up late and not even apologize.” You’re calling your boss sobbing after you find out you’re getting a divorce to say “I need the day off tomorrow, my partner is leaving me for someone else”. By your telling of the story, that person is a villain, but it’s very likely when they tell the same story, it’s you who’s the villain.

 I know that you’ve given your all and oftentimes, entirely too much of yourself, to relationships and walked away hurt, disappointed or heart-broken. You can tell anyone, and so can some of your friends, where there were red flags that you didn’t pay attention to or signs you ignored and you’re able to paint this image of a person who just didn’t treat you well, thus they’re the villain in your story. However, I know for a fact that even in these relationships, it’s likely that you’re their villain. You are the person that broke their heart, the person that walked away and gave up, hell, you’re definitely even guilty of trying to escape dealing with past traumas by diving into something new before you were healed. What I’ve learned is that in life, we all have a role to play. There are lessons to be learned in each and every interaction we have and in order to grow we have to be willing and able to receive those lessons to become better versions of ourselves moving forward. Sometimes, the lessons are miserable to experience and sometimes, they’re beautiful stories you can pass onto future generations about how your resilience really did pay off. 

   I didn’t really begin to understand just how true it is that “we’re all a villain in someone’s story” until someone told me something about myself from a past relationship from the point of view of my previous partner. When I heard this ridiculous story, I got extremely angry, immediately began explaining every accusation brought against me and tried to make someone believe that I wasn’t who they were portraying me to be. It was only natural for me to want to defend myself and my integrity, but then I realized there’s a side to this that only that other person has experienced and in their eyes, they were not the villain, I was. That doesn’t make anyone more right or wrong, it just makes their experience exactly that, their experience. But telling myself “we’re all a villain in someone’s story” wasn’t going to cut it when I was trying to comfort myself knowing that someone, somewhere was telling my story in a way that made me the bad guy when I know, that’s just not the case! Eventually, I took a step back, took a breath and realized… this wasn’t about me in a way that I thought it was. In true Alexis fashion, I made a list. I came up with all of the ways I could’ve been the villain and realized there are LEVELS TO THIS SHIT! I created 3 different categories of villains in relationships that not only helped me better identify what that other person might have experienced but it also gave me some closure to the situation and allowed me to find closure I didn’t know I needed in relationships pre-dating that one. 

The 3 types of Villains in relationships:

1. The Cruel Intentions Villain

This villain is the most overt, ill-intended, cruel villain there is. This villain knows exactly what they’re doing. They’re aware and conscious of the hurtful role they’re playing in your story. This villain may not always enter the relationship with these intentions, maybe they build over time. Resentment, anger, frustration, boredom, longing, fear of missing out, past trauma. These are all reasons people go from the person you couldn’t see yourself without to the person you look at and wonder how your relationship ever even made it this far. This villain covers a number of categories; gas-lighting, manipulating, lying, cheating, disrespecting, abusing and so on.

~I’ll let y’all pick a song that relates to any of the above~

2. The Guilty Conscious Villain

This villain is much more subdued, not as overtly mean or aggressive but still significant and leaves a lasting impact. The Guilty Conscious Villain is a lover before most anything else and genuinely cares about, respects, and admires their partner. When this person becomes a villain, it’s because they begin to realize that maybe they’re no longer happy or satisfied in their situation/relationship but they stay because “it’s the right thing to do”. Now, you may not agree that this person should be “villainized” but hear me out… As a Guilty Conscious Villain, you’re holding onto what once was, you’re stuck on what is “supposed to be” and you’re fixated on the potential of the relationship rather than the reality and you’re not recognizing that it’s time to walk away before you become the Cruel Intentions Villain and act out of spite or pain. You know that what you’re doing isn’t right and isn’t going to bring life back to your relationship so you’ll do one of two things. Either you’ll allow it to fade out on it’s own and suffer longer than either of you needs to, or you’ll self-sabotage and make the relationship even less desirable, manipulate your partner to have to be the one to call it off, all so you remain guilt-free and can walk away saying “it was a mutual decision”. *heavy on the eye roll, y’all know who you are* Surprise, you still became the villain.

~Slow Fade x Ruth B.~

3. The Selfish Villain

This villain is the most mild of the three but as it is aptly named, the most self serving. This villain is usually the Guilty Conscious Villain until they realize it’s time to walk away for the health and benefit of themselves. Yes, I know, “but walking away from something that isn’t serving you is what you’re supposed to do Alexis”. I KNOW and I AGREE. But here’s the thing, while you become the hero in your own story because you walked away from the thing that’s no longer serving you, you became the villain in theirs because they weren’t ready to let go. You’ll be met with you’re weak, you should’ve fought harder, you didn’t try, you moved on too quickly, etc. The Selfish Villain chooses themselves, their happiness, their heart, their desire for better and more over the comfort (or discomfort) of what “once was”. The Selfish Villain graduated from being the Guilty Conscious Villain when they realized their heart and their partners heart deserves more than a half-assed love. This is the villain you’ll see yourself becoming in situations when you make the decision to choose happiness and people will hate you for it.

~If You Hate Me x Kiana Lede. ~

** Sometimes the Cruel Intentions Villain will try to disguise themselves as a Selfish Villain because they want to “do what’s best for you based on their inability to stop poor behavior”. That ain’t it**

~Best 4 U x Maroon 5~

At the end of the day, no matter what way you spin it, someone, somewhere will find flaws or wrong doing in whatever choices you make and you will inevitably be the villain in their story. Just because you’re the Cruel Intentions Villain in one person’s story doesn’t mean you can’t be the Selfish Villain later in life. The idea is that through each phase of your life, you learn, you grow, you adapt and strive to be a better version of yourself as you go on. All you can control is yourself, the way you treat people and the energy you put out in the world. Don’t get caught up in being so angry that someone said you’re the villain, because you ARE and that’s OKAY. Be a good human, make mistakes and learn from them, take accountability for the role you’ve played in someone’s story, apologize when and where it’s necessary, forgive your villains and forgive yourself for being a villain. Just choose what kind of villain you’re willing to be.

all my love always, 

-Alexis Maria